Auburn at Kentucky
*MEETING BEGINS W/Sports Psychologist:*
"Losing is a disease...as contagious as mono.."
......"Losing is a disease...as contagious as the flu."
......"Losing is a disease...as contagious as Covid.."
ME:..."Aw to heck with this"...*gets up and walks out
Psychologist: "Patrick, get back in here!"
ME: "I didn't become a BARNER to be put to sleep by some 2 bit Carny hypnotist. Carny?..as in Carnival Eats....probably an LSWho fan anyway. ...I won't do it....I can't....I came here to Barn...I came here to BARN....!"
It's Gameday fam! Lets lock the gates, look for a fight and see what they got!!! I don't want to hear all the would, coulda, should crap. Let's BARN like it's 1999. Our beloved East Alabama Felines travel to the bluegrass state to take on Mollie McGrath's Mildcats. These Mildcats have had problems of their own. They are less offensive than a one piece bathing suit. If the Felines can get their issues on the offensive line straightened out, they may score some points. This Mildcat defense is good and at times the Felines O-line has been easier to get through than Supper Club security. Got a crazy feeling we put it together this week. *CRAZY STAT OF THE WEEK- We are undefeated this year when we score more than the other team. No I haven't been drinking...yet. The quote this week comes from a great commercial from my day...."I'm a Barner, you're a Barner, he's a Barner, she's a Barner...wouldn't you like to be a Barner too?" (That's the Dr. Pepper jingle for all you youngsters)
Lets get it fam!!! WAR DAMN AND BARN HARD!!!
Patrick's Loser...Kentucky by 11
Missouri at Alabama
Lewis Skolnick and his Show Me Kats fire up the family station wagon and head south to the Boar's Nest. Waiting on them will be Boss Hogg and his Fat Red Pachyderms. The Pachyderm fans are about as frustrated with the team as Lane Meyer was that Roy Stalin moved in on Beth. No worries this week because these Show Me Kats are about as good at football as the Wet Bandits are at burglary. The only positive for these Kats is their QB made a quicker recovery than Grandpa Joe in Willy Wonka. This one gets ugly early.
Patrick's Loser...Missouri by 17
LSU at Texas A&M
The Red Stick Carnival Eats invade Cult Central to take on Elmo and his Lassie Look-a-Likes. Week after week the Batter Dipped Weenie fans have said something about me not listening to them enough on how good this team is, or something like that...I don't really know, I really wasn't paying attention. What I do know is Elmo has these Lassie Look-a-Likes playing really well. Combine that with the fact that I still believe the Carnival Eats are faker than George Glass. Sure, Jan...the Corndogs can win. There is a better chance of Screech going out with
Kelly Kapowski than that happening.
Patrick's Loser...LSU by 3
Illinois at Oregon
The Champaign Tribe travels west to the land of the Goonies....not looking for One Eyed Willie but to take on the local Mallards in football. The Quack Attack finds themselves at the top of the latest polls. Hope they disinfected the poles just in case they play the Lonestar State Biting Stripper Monkeys in the playoff.....hang on, I'm being told it's not the same kind of pole. Makes sense as the Stripper Monkeys probably travel with their own. Will #1 go down again this week? I'm not sure but i wish the Tribe would wear those throwback unis again. As the kids say...those were fire.
EDITOR: "The go down line was in poor taste after talking about Stripper Monkeys."
Me: "It wasn't a joke and saying the word taste was in poor taste."
EDITOR: "Touche'"
Anyway...the Champaign Tribe will have to play out of their mind in Autzen to have a chance. Better chance is they take a duckbill to the eye.
Patrick's Loser...Illinois by 4
Other Games:
-Pope's Pupils lose a game of battleship.
Patrick's Loser...Notre Dame by 6
--Back at the bar for White Claw Wednesday, Joey Freshwater was game planning for the Covered Wagons. By last call he had more kids on his lap than Santa Claus. Rebel Black Bears Sharks don't need a plan for this one. Covered Wagons couldn't score in Aladdin's Castle with $20 in quarters.
Patrick's Loser...Oklahoma by 13
--Fightin' Bobby Knights hit Seattle Sled Dogs with a chair.
Patrick's Loser...Washington by 20
--Blackbeard and his Poisonous Seeds get in a fight with the Children of the Corn. Cruella runs wild through corn maze.
Patrick's Loser...Nebraska by 17
--Punxsutawney Gus and his Canary Round Table Dudes steal the Tabernacle Choir's songbook. Gus does his best imitation of....himself and wins one he shouldn't...while already losing 3 he should have won.
Patrick's Loser...BYU by 1
--Biting Stripper Monkeys hop back on the pole this week after breaking a heel last week. Lionel Ritchie's Boys don't have enough $1's in their fanny pack to keep up.
Patrick's Loser...Vandy by 9
--Chief Osceola's flaming spear is extinguished in Tropical Cyclone. But hey...free shoes and crab legs for everyone!
Patrick's Loser...FSU by 12
--Little Gus and his My Little Pony Express pull a full size Gus on the road against the Sapphire Satans. Egg laid.
Patrick's Loser...$MU by 3
Don't forget that this here Patrick's Loser's column is brought to you proudly by www.BarnerSupply.com. Please check out their website and try to buy them out. Remember: If you aren't wearing Barner, You might as well be wearing houndstooth! Give @BarnerSupply a follow on 𝕏 for updates. We are also doing @Between2Barns podcast where we all pretend to know what we are talking about. Might want to check that out as well!
Patrick is an Auburn man with a deep appreciation for Auburn Sports. Inspired by the nostalgic charm of the classic "Leonard's Losers" from his teenage years, he created "Patrick's Losers" as a modern tribute. Through this playful project, he brings back the fun of game day, engaging with all fanbases while cleverly weaving in his extensive knowledge of 80s pop culture. He can be found on 𝕏 @gameday_south where he post more of his awesome thoughts #WDE
