Patrick's Losers Week 3 Edition....Like Thornton Melon, let's dive into the action.
Florida at Auburn
For the second week in a row, it's Gulag After Dark! Ginger Spice Drago and his East Alabama Siberian Felines welcome Jake Taylor and his Giant Water Lizards to the Plains tonight. The only reason Jake is the Coach for the Water Lizards is because he couldn't cut it in the Mexican Leagues. For both of these teams, this game is as big as an Uncle Buck pancake. Water Lizard run game is being touted as elite. The teams they have played are the equivalent of the Pee Wee Cowboys and the Little Giants from Urbania (Home of the O'Shea brothers). On the other side, the Feline run defense has also been called elite. DL may not be as strong as last year, but the LB Corps is better...even without the Icebox. I think the more intriguing matchup is the Feline offense against the Water Lizard defense. Who takes the next step? I believe during this week's teleconference, Drago was quoted as saying "Momma said knock you out." Let's ride.
Patrick's Loser...Florida by 4
Florida State at Alabama
Chief Osceola and his Friends of the Feather take their "free" crablegs and shoes north to the Boar's Nest to take on Boss Hogg and his Fat Pink Pachyderms. The Criminoles limp into this game more wounded than Matt and Jed at the end of Red Dawn, and if this is an ugly loss, the head coach at Crablegs U may wake up with a seat hotter than a Kmart parking lot in July. The Pachyderms identity is pretty clear: physical football, pressure up front, and the expectation that every snap should look like a Louden Swain wrestling match. The Pachyderm D wants to turn this into a street fight, or at least a TikTok dance battle...shorten the game, and make Free Shoes U earn every blade of grass. The Friends of the Feather will have to use some misdirection and luck to stay in this one. Amazon Prime is coaching The Friends of the Feather next season.
Patrick's Loser...Florida State by 21
LSWho at Ole Miss
Jeauxy Swampwater takes his Red Stick Carnival Eats back to his former home to face Dewey and his Rebel Black Bear Sharks. This may be the biggest game ever at the Doublewide in the Orchard. Hope they fixed all the skirting because the eyes of the nation will be on Oxford for this one. Jeauxy will look tired early in this one from hitting the local bar scene trying to score a day early. As much as the Rebel Black Bear Sharks want to think they can win this, it's not going to happen. Break out the mustard....Corndogs for everyone!
Patrick's Loser...Ole Miss by 13
Quick Hitters:
Georgia at Arkansas
Larry the Dr Pepper Guy and his Peach State Leg Humpers enjoy BBQ for brunch.
Patrick's Loser....Arkansas by 30
$MU at Louisville
Gus-Lite and his My Little Pony Express ride into the 'Ville to take on Beakoncé and the Tomato Sparrows. Should be a shootout. Turnovers are the difference.
Patrick's Loser...$MU by 5
UTEP at Michigan
The Secret Clock and the Kids from Calumet continue to cheat and cause a cave-in on the Tunnel Diggers.
Patrick's Loser....UTEP by 12
Kentucky at Texas A&M
The Bourbon Soaked Kitties wander into the Blue Oyster Bar to take on Elmo and his Lassie Wannabes. The Blue Oyster Bar cheerleaders will be singing YMCA in full costume by the end of this one.
Patrick's Loser...Kentucky by 10
Kennesaw State at Tennessee
The Hooters from the ATL invade the Smokies today to take on the Creamsicle Coonhounds. Hooters should stick to perfecting how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. A** whoopin' incoming.
Patrick's Loser...Kennesaw St.by 31