As we enter this final month of the regular season, I'm reminded of the immortal words of Abraham Lincoln, who said..."Sometimes less is more...but not if we are talking about Patrick's Losers...then how you say, more is less...or something like that "
Auburn at Vandy
"....then put your little hand in mine..." "Not again." "That is a great song, my friend." Well.... it's finally the day after...because Punxsutawney Hugh has been Eliot Loudermilk'd. Taking over the program for the remaining games is Cyrus the Virus. In his first game as Head Coach, Cyrus will take his East Alabama Felines north to the Music City to face Dora the Explorer's Cousin and Lionel Ritchie's Boys. A late scoring barrage made Lionel's Boys game last week with the Biting Stripper Monkeys look closer than it was. Any scoring barrage for the East Alabama Felines... is like a touchdown. This Feline offense has been worse than Romy Rome's pickup lines..." what's the matter....you can't call nobody". But we were constantly told we were close. Maybe Diamond Dawg as play caller can get this offense out of Park. Because even a blindfolded, stuck in the basement Stevie Wonder could see we weren't close to anything but sucking more. Cyrus has a chance over these last 3 games to make his case to keep this job full-time. That case needs to be a minimum of 2 wins and a very competitive 1 loss. What a waste of a championship defense this year has been. Call me crazy....which I am....But I have too much Barn in me. Defense balls out and helps the offense...and just like the Fratellis not checking Mikey's marble bag and saving the Goondocks...our offense scores just enough to bring the "Brick House" Anchor down.
Patrick's Loser...Vandy by 1
LSU at Alabama
The Red Stick Carnival Eats head north to the Boar's Nest today to take on Boss Hogg and his Fat Pink Plaid Pachyderms. Alliteration aside, these Pachyderms have more weapons than Brandon Miller. Their offense has been more explosive than Harry Dunn in Mary Samsonite's bathroom after a celebratory drink with Lloyd. Conversely, this Carnival Eats offense is about as explosive as one of Data's booty traps for the Fratellis. Screech had a better chance of marrying Lisa than these Carnival Eats do of pulling the upset. Do not expect a nail-biter in this one.
Patrick's Loser...LSWho by 14
Auburn at Vandy
"....then put your little hand in mine..." "Not again." "That is a great song, my friend." Well.... it's finally the day after...because Punxsutawney Hugh has been Eliot Loudermilk'd. Taking over the program for the remaining games is Cyrus the Virus. In his first game as Head Coach, Cyrus will take his East Alabama Felines north to the Music City to face Dora the Explorer's Cousin and Lionel Ritchie's Boys. A late scoring barrage made Lionel's Boys game last week with the Biting Stripper Monkeys look closer than it was. Any scoring barrage for the East Alabama Felines... is like a touchdown. This Feline offense has been worse than Romy Rome's pickup lines..." what's the matter....you can't call nobody". But we were constantly told we were close. Maybe Diamond Dawg as play caller can get this offense out of Park. Because even a blindfolded, stuck in the basement Stevie Wonder could see we weren't close to anything but sucking more. Cyrus has a chance over these last 3 games to make his case to keep this job full-time. That case needs to be a minimum of 2 wins and a very competitive 1 loss. What a waste of a championship defense this year has been. Call me crazy....which I am....But I have too much Barn in me. Defense balls out and helps the offense...and just like the Fratellis not checking Mikey's marble bag and saving the Goondocks...our offense scores just enough to bring the "Brick House" Anchor down.
Patrick's Loser...Vandy by 1
LSU at Alabama
The Red Stick Carnival Eats head north to the Boar's Nest today to take on Boss Hogg and his Fat Pink Plaid Pachyderms. Alliteration aside, these Pachyderms have more weapons than Brandon Miller. Their offense has been more explosive than Harry Dunn in Mary Samsonite's bathroom after a celebratory drink with Lloyd. Conversely, this Carnival Eats offense is about as explosive as one of Data's booty traps for the Fratellis. Screech had a better chance of marrying Lisa than these Carnival Eats do of pulling the upset. Do not expect a nail-biter in this one.
Patrick's Loser...LSWho by 14
BYU at Texas Tech
A battle of 2 top 10 teams here today....wait what? What is going on? The Tabernacle Choir and the Scarlet Marauders are both in the top 10? We may be headed for an event of biblical proportions....real Old Testament stuff...fire and brimstone coming down from the sky, rivers and seas boiling, 40 years of darkness, earthquakes, volcanoes, the dead rising from the grave...human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together...MASS HYSTERIA!!! Or it could just be a football game. Both teams are hot, and this should be as fun to watch as a John Hughes marathon. I'll take the home team to pull away late.
Patrick's Loser...BYU by 13
Oregon at Iowa
Gordon Bombay and his Neon Quack Attack take their show to middle America this week to take on the Fighting Jeremy Renners. This Jeremy Renners team is the best thing to happen to Iowa since Kevin Costner plowed under his corn to build a baseball field. Too bad for them, this Quack Attack team is as explosive as a midnight Taco Bell run...and I haven't seen this much Neon since Martha Quinn queued up the Jets video for Crush on You. The Quack Attack tends to play down to their competition, but that changes today.
Patrick's Loser...Iowa by 12
Texas A&M at Missouri
Tackleberry and the Lassie Wannabes leave the Blue Oyster Bar and head north to take on Lewis Skolnick and his Show Me Kats. Tack was so loose this week that he was telling jokes about his Chippendale Cheerleaders. He asked Skolnick on the teleconference..."Do you like Aldi?" "What do you mean, do I like Aldi?" "All deez nuts my cheerleaders have..🤣🤣🤣" I mean, I haven't seen that many balls since Rick Vaughn's first inning with the Indians. "Just a bit outside...he tried the corner and missed." Back to the game. This Lassie Wannabe offense scores more than Leonardo DiCaprio at a nightclub. And to quote Matt Foley... the Show Me Kats haven't shown me ...JACK SQUAT!!! They may end up living in a van...down by the river. Show Me Kats are faker than a Sorority girl's lips. M..I..collagen.
Patrick's Loser...Missouri by 16
Other Games:
-Poisonous Seeds derail the Little Engine that Could.
Patrick's Loser...Purdue by 27
-Inferior Corn shuck whips the Kats from Mt Nittany.
Patrick's Loser...Penn St by 14
-Mercyhurst at Saint Francis, PA...WTH..?....tell Jessie Spano to pass the NoDoze..."I'm not excited, I'm not excited!"
Patrick's Loser...The parents who showed up
-Magic City Firebreathers gobble up the San Francisco Treat.
Patrick's Loser...Rice by 4
-Bowl Cut Liar and his Leg Humpers lift a leg on the Cowbelled Bullpups.
Patrick's Loser...Miss St by 15
-Double Dribble U get no help from Zebras this time. Hellish Halo Wearers in an upset.
Patrick's Loser...Virginia by 2
-Pope's Pupils throw the Midshipmen overboard.
Patrick's Loser...Navy by 24
There it is! Another amazing Patrick's Losers brought to you, as always, by BarnerSupply.com! Follow @BarnerSupply on 𝕏 for updates!
Patrick is an Auburn man with a deep appreciation for Auburn Sports. Inspired by the nostalgic charm of the classic "Leonard's Losers" from his teenage years, he created "Patrick's Losers" as a modern tribute. Through this playful project, he brings back the fun of game day, engaging with all fanbases while cleverly weaving in his extensive knowledge of 80s pop culture. He can be found on 𝕏 @gameday_south, where he posts more of his awesome thoughts #WDE
