Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, children of all ages. Degeneration X proudly brings to you the College Football Season tag team champions of the woooorld!!! The article, Patrick's Losers!...the merchandise, Barner Supply!......it's College...Football...Saturday!
Last week you got the appetizer. This week is Week 1 and we will feast like Andrew Clark during a Saturday detention at Shermer High School. Let's get into it...
Auburn vs Baylor
Ivan Drago takes his East Alabama Siberian Felines into the ATL to face the Honeypot Lickers from Waco. New Coach and lots of new faces on this Feline team. Should we have hope?... Should you leave an unsupervised pie laying around if Jason Biggs comes over to watch the game? This team is going to have to earn some hope from this fan base and there is no time like today to start. The biggest question mark for me going into the season is the OL. I do like the attitude that Drago is bringing to the Plains. I like the toughness. If we can run the ball as easy as the West Cannan Coyotes ran the Oop dee oop....look out. Oh to heck with it....inject the Hopium straight into my veins...I'm ready for some Auburn football. Honeypot Lickers and Apollo Creed's corner should have both thrown in the towel. Drago era starts with a knockout.
Patrick's Loser...Baylor by 9(and the pie)
East Carolina at Alabama
It's brunch at the Boar's Nest, as Boss Hogg and his Fat Pink Pachyderms welcome the Tar River Marauders to West Vance today. The QB battle in Cottondale has ended with Keelon Russell taking the reins of the Red Algae Bloom Wave offense. Here's what the Pachyderm fans want to know. Can we run the ball? And can we get back to the CFP? The answers are...yes today, but you have about as much of a chance at the playoffs as Buford T Justice does of finally catching the Bandit. Today, enjoy a Diablo sandwich and a Dr. Pepper while you watch this beat down. The Marauders JUST don't have the firepower to stay with the Pachyderms. Party time in West Vance.
Patrick's Loser...East Carolina by 27
Ball State at Ohio State
Testicle Tech heads to the Horseshoe to take on Blackbeard and his Poisonous Seeds. New season and a fresh bottle of Midnight Cocoa Bean has been applied. Preseason number 1 should have about as easy of a time with Cajones Community College as Kasey Musgraves did flying around on "disco balls" at her last concert. Apparently she is a Testicle Tech fan. This one will be about as bad as Cousin Eddie's real tomato ketchup. Maybe Testicle Tech should try running the Annexation of Puerto Rico....it won't help. Hope they wore a cup.
Patrick's Loser...Ball State by 34
Furman at Tennessee
The McDowell's Lettuce Washer and his Creamsicle Coonhounds welcome the Purple Knights from the Palmetto State to Rocky Top. If the Creamsicle Coonhounds can win 8 or 9 games this year the McDowell's Lettuce Washer may get moved up to Fries. Week 1 against the Purple Knights is a no doubter. McShakes all around!
Patrick's Loser...Furman by 31
Clemson at LSU
The Crack Enhanced Kitty Kats leave the Palmetto State and head to the Bayou to take on Jeauxy Swampwater and the Red Stick Carnival Eats. Well, well, well... I wonder if Jeauxy has found a local bar in his new town that has White Claw Wednesday. The Pi Delta Pi president has already said .."You can always tell when Jeauxy has been over at the sorority house....the toilet is never flushed and the cat's pregnant." Since he can't win a championship with college players, he has started offering to bring back players that were cut from the MFL...the Mother Fu......no the NFL. That's my bad. Then there's Dabo on the other side. It's Slime vs Slime in this one. Could there be an upset in Red Stick? All of America should be able to unite against the Carnival Eats.
Patrick's Loser...LSWho by 2 and the cat?
Other Games:
Peach State Leg Humpers...56
Nash-Vegas Kitty Kats...6
Quack Attack...34
Smurf Turf Horses...20
Lassie Wannabes...38
Show Me Yogis...3
UTRGV vs UTSA....Patrick's Loser....all the local eye charts.
Sunday bonus:
Ole Miss vs Louisville
Dewey and his Rebel Black Bear Sharks travel to Nash-Vegas for a game with the Redbirds from the 'Ville. This matchup features 2 ranked teams and as we all know rankings are never wrong. The line is between 6 and 7....oh crap, I just said 67 and now everyone reading this is doing a hand gesture. Young people one and the older folks are telling me I'm number 1...
Back to the game. I think this one is as tight as a gnats nose stretched over a rainbow. (If anyone gets that reference...I am impressed). I think the Redbirds cover.
Patrick's Loser...Louisville by 4
There it is! Another amazing Patrick's Losers brought to you, as always, by BarnerSupply.com! Follow @BarnerSupply on 𝕏 for updates!
Patrick is an Auburn man with a deep appreciation for Auburn Sports. Inspired by the nostalgic charm of the classic "Leonard's Losers" from his teenage years, he created "Patrick's Losers" as a modern tribute. Through this playful project, he brings back the fun of game day, engaging with all fanbases while cleverly weaving in his extensive knowledge of 80s pop culture. He can be found on 𝕏 @gameday_south, where he posts more of his awesome