Patrick’s Losers: Week 5
Let’s Triple Lindy into the action…
Auburn at Tennessee
Ginger Spice Drago takes his East Alabama Siberian Felines into the Smokies today to take on McDowell’s Lettuce Washer and his Creamsicle Coonhounds. After seeing the Coonhounds play the Biting Stripper Monkeys tough last week and the Felines let Lionel Richie’s Boys hang around “All Night Long,” this one could get out of hand. The Felines’ offensive line has more holes than the walls in the girls’ shower room at Angel Beach High School. This needs to be fixed as quickly as Monique fixed Lane Meyer’s Camaro because the Creamsicle Coonhounds’ defense is about as stingy as Johnny collecting his two dollars. I’m not sure how we’lldo on the road with more issues than Bruce Jenner shopping for stilettos. Bad day to be a cold beer. Let’s turn this into a rock fight. To quote Sherman Klump…“Yes, we can.”
Patrick’s Loser: Tennessee by 2
Alabama at Mississippi State
It’s brunch at the Landfill. Boss Hogg loads up the big white Cadillac and takes his Fat Pink Pachyderms across the state line to Stark-Vegas to take on Booger Presley and his Cowbelled Bullpups. This is the best QB the Bullpups have had since Cousin Eddy offered Cam Newton $180K and a pair of white patent-leather loafers. Even that—and real tomato ketchup—couldn’t get Cam to stay in the land of red mud and Trans Ams on cinder blocks. A lot of people think this will be a good game. The only way that happens is if the Red Algae Bloom Wave offense starts
slowly. I think they start fast, and this one is over quicker thanBuford T. Justice ordering a Diablo sandwich and a Dr. Pepper. The Bullpups lose, although Booger wins the belching contest.
Patrick’s Loser: Mississippi State by 20
Florida at Missouri
The lead singer from Spandau Ballet takes his Giant Water Lizards to the Show-Me State to take on Lewis Skolnick and his Show-Me Kats. Lewis, Gilbert, Poindexter, and Wormser had better have something special up their sleeves. I don’t think putting Liquid Heat in the Water Lizards’ jockstraps will work.
These Water Lizards are for real, and they are more “Physical” than an Olivia Newton-John video. No hope for a musical number at the homecoming carnival; this one is over.
Patrick’s Loser: Missouri by 23
Vandy at Georgia
Lionel Richie’s Boys have shown up for the reaping, and Katniss Everdeen is nowhere to be found. Larry the Dr Pepper Guy, his $4 Great Clips haircut, and his Peach State Leg Humpers willcontinue to be a rolling ball of butcher knives. The Cocktail Party
looms large. This one should be “easy like Sunday morning.”
Patrick’s Loser: Vandy by 27
Ohio State at Iowa
Blackbeard and his Poisonous Seeds travel to the land of a baseball field in the middle of a cornfield. There, they meet the Fighting Jeremy Renners. This state may have superior corn—sorry, Sav—but this football team is definitely faker than Terry
Griffith, the Sturgis Wilder High School friend of Rick Morehouseversion. I still think this Poisonous Seeds team is a top-three team, and they handle business today.
Patrick’s Loser: Iowa by 17
Quick Hitters:
Bourbon Soaked Kitties outdrink, I mean outlast Palmetto State Chickens.
--Patrick’s Loser: South Carolina by 6
Double Dribble U finds a way to cheat, but Chief Osceola and his Friends of the Feather pull it out late.
--Patrick’s Loser: Virginia by 1
Spiked Piggies are as bad at football as Mr. Shoop is at teaching remedial English. Tackleberry and his Lassie Wannabes get back on track.
--Patrick’s Loser: Arkansas by 23
Jesus replied, "I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to Me will never be hungry again. Whoever believes in Me will never be thirsty." -John 6:35
Heavenly Father, thank you for sending your precious Son into
the world to be the Bread that came down from Heaven to feed our souls. In Jesus' name, AMEN.
Patrick's Winner...the world