We have to start here, right? It would be a crime for me not to mention that sometimes the life of an Auburn fan is about getting to laugh at our neighbors in the number #2 crime city, Tuscaloosa. Oh, Alabama. Poor, sweet, delusional Alabama. You spent all summer chest-puffing about how “the dynasty isn’t dead,” and then Florida State came in and treated y’all like a practice squad. If that was the “Process,” then DeBoer must have outsourced it to the DMV. Seminoles fans are still giggling into their tomahawk chops while Alabama Twitter tries to explain why moral victories count now. Bless their hearts. Bless their cousin-wives' hearts as well.
Now, if only someone could make it make sense that Baylor was a stud football team a week ago, much better than Auburn or Florida State, except when they lose to Auburn at home by two scores that should have been four scores, and then FSU beats a sinking program in the Gumps. Now, all of a sudden, Baylor is a fraud, and FSU is dang near top 10? My ass. I digress. Also, I love run-on sentences.
Real football comes back to Alabama Saturday night. Auburn will be under the lights in Jordan-Hare, and the mighty opponent on deck? Ball State. Yes, Ball State, the school that sounds less like a football program and more like a clearance/damaged aisle at Dick’s Sporting Goods. If you’re not sure where Ball State is located, don’t feel bad — neither do half their fans until they Google it on the drive over. You could ask @HeySavannahZ
However, do so at your own peril, she's a Ball St Grad and didn't know the difference between right and write.....You WILL end up in Canada following her directions. Chirp, Chirp.
On paper, this matchup looks about as threatening as Ryan Williams' stuffed animal fetish (Is he a Furry now that he isn't 17 anymore?). Auburn’s roster is loaded with SEC talent, while Ball State is…well…Ball State. A community college. Their admission requirements are "Please make sure your checks don't bounce". Their nickname is the Cardinals, which would be intimidating if it weren’t also the mascot of about 57 different high schools across the Midwest. Nothing strikes fear into the heart of an opposing team quite like a bird you can find on a Christmas ornament. I wonder, when they were naming the school, did they say, "Hey, the NFL's Cardinals are such a powerhouse, let's copy them!" Then they patted themselves on he back and went out for second-rate corn or something.
Let’s be clear: this game isn’t about whether Auburn wins. That’s already written in the Book of Genesis. This game is about how fast the Tigers can put it away and whether the starters will be back in their street clothes before the second quarter ends. The over/under on “when Toomer’s Corner starts looking like Mardi Gras” might be the only real betting line worth watching.
Meanwhile, Auburn fans get to sit back, sip a beverage, and watch the meltdown. Imagine bragging for a decade about “owning the state” only to have Jordan-Hare roaring on Saturday night while you’re at home nursing a Tallahassee-sized hangover, praying ULM doesn't do the funniest repeat ever. The Iron Bowl might already be won, and it’s only September. Roll Tears.
Back to Saturday and a decent team: the Ball State offense will probably arrive in Auburn with a game plan involving short runs, ball control, and praying the clock runs quickly. Cute. Auburn’s defensive line will crush that strategy like an empty Natty Light can at Lane Kiffin's beachside trailer-home. On the other side, Auburn’s offense could probably hand the ball to a drum major and still find the end zone. By the third quarter, Hugh Freeze may be drawing plays in the dirt with his visor just to keep it interesting. It won't be. This team just got hammered by Purdue....AKA the FSU of the north.
Prediction? Auburn eleventymillion, Ball State 3. And those three points are strictly because someone will fumble a punt while thinking about postgame milkshakes. This one’s over before it begins, and by Saturday night, Toomer’s Corner will be rolled tighter than Bama fans’ excuses.
So buckle up, Cardinals. You’re flying straight into a storm called Jordan-Hare. And Auburn? Well, Auburn gets an easy tune-up game while Alabama fans start googling “Is Mike Shula available?” and "What is DeBoer's buyout?"
War. Damn. Eagle.
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Matthew, the EIC of the Barner Blog, is an experienced sportswriter who brings a rich background in sports journalism. With a career spanning major outlets such as Sports Illustrated and ESPN, Matthew has built a reputation for insightful coverage of teams across the Southeast. His in-depth coverage of the Auburn Tigers, Atlanta Braves, Memphis Grizzlies, and Tennessee Titans has earned him a loyal following, recognized for his sharp analysis and engaging storytelling. At Barner Supply, Matthew strives to uphold his tradition of excellence, delivering compelling stories and expert commentary to a more targeted audience. He can be found on 𝕏 @WarEagleMatthew
