Football season, praise eight-pound, six-ounce, newborn infant Jesus, we finally have a game to play. It's finally here.
Friday night football, and the Baylor Bears are about to step onto the field like a bunch of overgrown church picnic mascots who wandered off the potato sack race. They have no idea the level of cray-cray that is coming from Auburn. Auburn fans have been circling this one like it’s Black Friday at Toomer’s Drugs, because let’s be honest: Baylor doesn’t scare anybody. Their mascot looks like something you’d win for a moderately attractive girl at a fair after dropping twenty bucks on the rigged ring toss. Cute. Not terrifying. Plus, being real, the Big 12 is a high school conference. Look at week zero's atrocity in Ireland for reference.
However, that doesn't mean that Auburn doesn't love losing football games in the past six seasons. You really have to look to the future to make a solid pick in this game. Let's go ahead and do it anyway.
To a delusionary fault, Baylor football prides itself on being a tough, scrappy, Big 12 team. (High School Conference) Translation: they’ll be doing their best impression of a folding lawn chair after Auburn’s defensive line puts a little weight on them. Auburn is better on both lines, way better at receiver and defensive back, better at linebacker, better at safety, better at ....well, you get the point. Auburn is just better. The only “Waco Terror” Auburn is worried about is accidentally stopping at a gas station there on the way to somewhere better. Hell, the Branch Davidians had a better time in Waco than the Bears will Friday night. Baylor is about to learn that the SEC isn’t the Big 12, and we play defense. Around here, we don’t just play football—we baptize folks in fourth-quarter misery. Auburn finally has the depth to do it. The worst part of this game for Auburn fans is probably being forced to cancel YouTube TV and having to listen to RG3 announce the game. Makes most of us wish the "Blackout" threat from Baylor included some sort of Men In Black memory-deleting device to get that attitude and voice out of our heads after the game
Jackson Arnold and the Auburn offense will treat the Baylor defense like it’s a warm-up drill, tossing touchdowns around like free rolls at Lambert’s Café. By halftime, Tiger fans will already be debating what flavor milkshake they’re grabbing after the game and how to avoid driving through Louisiana on the way back. Nothing good happens in Louisiana, avoid it at all cost. Meanwhile, Baylor fans will be huddled together Googling “what is moral victory?” on their iPhones, desperately hoping Siri can make sense of it. Thoughts and Prayers to my Baptist friends out there. I really don't see this game being close. ( Where I get this confidence in Auburn from eludes me, but it is there. )
And let’s not forget Hugh Freeze. Love him, hate him, the man better start showing off his scheme. That is the wild card for this game AND this season. Baylor’s defensive coordinator is probably spending this week watching film with the same look you give when the Waffle House waitress says they’re out of hashbrowns. Freeze and Arnold are backed into a corner, but they are growling with a massive amount of talent. The Bears are about to get scattered, smothered, and chunked, Auburn-style.
Final score? Auburn 35, Baylor 10. Three of those points are a charity donation, like a church bake sale cupcake nobody really wanted, but you buy anyway to be nice. By the end of the night, Toomer’s Corner will be rolled tighter than Baylor’s playbook, and the Bears will be whining about their schedule, wondering why they ever agreed to leave their little Big 12 bubble.
So buckle up, Waco. Auburn is coming, the Tigers are hungry, and Friday night is about to feel like Saturday night on the Plains.
War...Damn...Eagle
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Matthew, the EIC of the Barner Blog, is an experienced sportswriter who brings a rich background in sports journalism. With a career spanning major outlets such as Sports Illustrated and ESPN, Matthew has built a reputation for insightful coverage of teams across the Southeast. His in-depth coverage of the Auburn Tigers, Atlanta Braves, Memphis Grizzlies, and Tennessee Titans has earned him a loyal following, recognized for his sharp analysis and engaging storytelling. At Barner Supply, Matthew strives to uphold his tradition of excellence, delivering compelling stories and expert commentary to a more targeted audience. He can be found on 𝕏 @WarEagleMatthew
